Sunday, 22 January 2012

A bit about me.


In this post I want to give the blog a bit more context, in relation to myself. So I've decided to give a brief history of me, and my crossdressing; I'm going to skip a few bits and it may be in the wrong order but I'll do my best!

I don't have a single memory of wanting to crossdress; however I do remember from a young age (primary school, so 7/8 I think) wanting to try on a female friends clothes and shoes. At the time I didn't really think about it, or understand what it meant but I did have a fear that people would find out. I have no idea what I thought would happen or why it was important to hide it, but I thought it was.
As I got older I started to think about things a bit more, it wasn't until I was 13/14 that I understood, and to some level accepted that I must be a crossdresser, and it wasn't 'normal' so I kept it hidden. I felt unable to talk to the female friend who's clothes I had tried on in the past and I was really quite confused by all this ... at this point it's worth mentioning that I have an older sister, who I know follows this blog; as does her other half so this might end up being a little embarrassing, but there we go. 

I was stuck with no one I felt I could talk to about it. I still had this dread fear of anyone finding out but the desire to crossdress was very hard to ignore; eventually I gave in and, when alone in the house, tried on some of my sisters clothes. In hindsight it's something I'm really not proud of; not only was it a massive intrusion of her privacy but it's really rather rude and a little creepy. But ... it helped me realise that crossdressing did make me happy, and that I did want it to be part of my life. I borrowed her clothes a few times, I even took some of the first photos of myself dressed up. However the more I did it the worse I felt about hijacking her clothes, so I tried my best not to do it anymore.
Around this time the school had a charity event where people got sponsorship for undertaking a particular activity or similar, I managed to convince someone to dare me to come into school in drag, I managed to get a fair bit of  sponsorship for this and my old friend from primary school lent me some clothes and did my hair. This was the first time I crossdressed in public. Everything went well and I enjoyed the experience. I did get a few odd looks but overall the day was awesome. 

It was at the end of GCSE that I decided to tell my parents. I remember arriving to an empty home, writing a note and leaving it downstairs for my mother to find, then I hid in my room and waited for my world to end. I don't even remember what I wrote in the note but I know I was completely terrified, however I couldn't keep going with them not knowing. Suffice to say my parents didn't kick me out of the house ... but we never really talked about it. 

In 6th form I managed to open up to some people both in person and online; this made me more comfortable with things and I realised that I could tell some people and not have some terrible 'thing' happen. I also started playing in a Live Action Roleplay (or LARP) game run by a local university society; being around open minded students really bolstered my conference, eventually I managed to play a female character! A rather silly fairy character with a tiny skirt and corset, ok so maybe it wasn't the most inspirational character and It might have been a terrible hyper stereotyped girly girl fairy but it was extremely liberating and I loved playing it! 

When it came to leave 6th form and head to university me and my parents had an argument, basically I wanted to go to the end of year ball in a dress, my parents did not think it was a good idea at all. They won. I bought a suit and swallowed by pride, in the end I didn't go because I was ill. However the day before the ball there was a fancy dress day, and dammit I was going as a girl! Now, I'd managed to buy a few things of my own by this point, this including a really nice black corset, some fake breasts and an amazing pair of thigh high stiletto boots! I went out, dressed up and had an amazing time as a sexy kitty. Yeah I got looks, yeah people probably thought things about me but I had a wonderful time!

Then I went to university, from day one I was open about who I was and what I did, everything went rather well. I fell into a good group of people who all seemed to accept my crossdressing, I joined a few societies and on several occasions went out to social events dressed up and, in general had a great time, I even went to my departments Christmas ball as a woman two years running; and I even met an rather special lady! But as the years passed work encroached on my free time and I stopped going to these societies, lost the opportunities to dress up and I started to lose the sense of freedom coming to uni had given me.

One event in particular had a drastic effect on my outlook on crossdressing in public. A particular individual joined the main society I dressed up in, he was also a crossdresser ... but also a drug taking asshole who craved attention and generally pissed me off. He crossed a line when one night out he implied that Izzy, (we were together at the time) was only with me because of my crossdressing and that he had turned up she would leave me for him as he was more attractive and more interesting than me. I told him where to stick it and (I think) scared him a bit ... but doing so I stepped out of my female self and into my male one, for the rest of the evening I felt very very uncomfortable. It didn't help that he tried to cause a fuss when we left by getting some guys together and making out that he was going to attack me, feeling so uncomfortable I was very aware of my inability to defend myself when dressed up. If in the right might I could have done so, but at the time I was not. I was with a lot of good friends that made sure nothing happened but it was a scary situation to be in. Since then I have dressed up and gone out in public a few times but I have never regained the feeling I had before and as time goes by I find it slipping further away.

On the flip side, I met Izzy. An amazing and wonderful woman who I love deeply. She has always been supportive of everything I chose to do, including the crossdressing, and in May 2011 we got married! It was a truly awesome day and I wouldn't change anything.

... but, I always wanted to get married in a wedding dress. It was a dream of mine from very early on. I had even spent years thinking over what kind of dress, designing it in great detail and more or less fulfilling the  bride/dress stereotype. But I wore a suit, for my father. He told me that if I wore a dress he would not be there; there was only one choice I could make given the options. We did talk about it and he did have his reasons (which I'm not going to go into.) and they did have substance. The idea of changing for the evening was broched, I even had a dress made (by Izzy's mother, who also made Izzy's dress!) but it never saw the light of day, mostly because I never found the right moment to slip away. 

It's something that I do regret, but there wasn't any drama and everyone enjoyed themselves. As I said I wouldn't change anything. 

The last time I wore a dress was in August on holiday, the last time I wore a dress in public was the end of May, and I've been diving into a deeper and deeper depression since before then, at the moment I feel the desire to dress up but something is stopping me and all it does is make me feel crap. That is why I'm writing this blog. 

And with that I'm going to sign off this massive self service festival, I hope I've not bored anyone too much.

5 comments:

  1. This is one of the most heartfelt and personal posts I've ever read online.

    The drugged up moron you mentioned, is a horrid, foul and petty messed-up individual. It really makes me angry to think he made you feel bad about such a special part of yourself.

    I know I must say it so often that it's cliche by now, but I love it when you dress up. The look on your face says it all - you're just comfortable. Heck, you're more than comfortable. You have a look on your face which says "I'm sexy, sassy and, Goddammit, super confident! So go screw World!"

    I wish I could be like that when dressing up in a frock and heels. Chris in a dress looks like he fears nothing and I envy that...well, that and your legs. Damn your pretty legs.

    If there is anything you want your friends to do, to help dressing up again easier, all you need to do is say the word. People adore you and will bend over backwards to make things happen. All of us just want a happy Chris.

    I'm really enjoying the blog so far Chris. The writing is so raw and honest, it's quite refreshing actually. I hope you continue it.

    :)

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  3. *hugs* You're amazing; never forget it or doubt it. It takes such strength to write like this.

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  4. Seconding everything that B_hoots and Serenizzy just said :)

    You are awesome, this blog is amazing and I think it's great that you've chosen to share this stuff with us - I feel quite privileged! :D

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  5. Did you consider doing another ceremony for the more understanding audience? I know I really strongly considered a dual ceremony, one for family and one for my friends, because I wanted things in the ceremony that my family don't understand and wouldn't accept. In the end I couldn't afford it, but it was a definite consideration.

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